Fear of the Unknown

There comes a time in a persons life where they have to face the fact of surgery.  I have been putting mine off for seven years now and it is no longer an option any more. I have to have my gull bladder removed. Granted it is an alleged simple surgery; very common place, 500,000 any given year, but it doesn’t alleviate my concern.

I haven’t a fear of surgery itself but of being put under.  I can’t get past the idea of a drug induced sleep that I cannot wake myself up from.  Of course, I am speaking of the possibility of never waking up that scares me.

I know the logical reasons for this not being a concern. I realize if I don’t wake up there are no more problems for me; I would never even know about it. Worry over. It doesn’t stop me from worrying though. I keep thinking should I be calling loved ones and telling them all the appropriate things or just acting like it is another day? No use worrying people that don’t need to be worrying about things. I have very mixed feelings about it.  After all they are cutting into me. A part of me will no longer be part of me.

The few people I have told about it seem unconcerned about it.  Everyone seems to know someone that has had the surgery with little or no problem. There are a few stories of after surgery problems with bowel movements or infection but even those seem few and temporary. No one had horror stories of anyone dieing from the surgery. Which should relieve my mind.  But it doesn’t

I guess it probably all stems from when I was a teenager.  My mom’s best friend was undergoing what was supposed to be a common place hysterectomy. She had an unknown blood clot and it moved to her heart during surgery and she died on the table. She was young and other wise healthy at the time. But one minute she was alive and vibrant and a couple hours later she went to sleep for an hour or two under anaesthesia and never woke up. She left behind 4 kids and a husband. Everyone told her not to worry it was a very routine operation.

So, in the not so back of my mind, this lingers. The fear of the unknown.  Is this my time? Could some fluke of something unrelated to the surgery do me in?

I love life… most of the time.  I want to live and enjoy all the great things there are in life.   Instead of enjoying the last few days before the surgery and doing extra fun things I am hiding my feelings inside. I am just going through the day in day out repeat things in life pretending like everything is fine without a worry in the world.

Underneath I am wondering could these be my last days on earth?

Guess I’ll let you know in a couple days… or not….

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