As with most people you have that one friend who is a “baby Christian” the person that is new to religion and is so excited they are able to pull you in with their exuberance. My friend Cindy peaked my curiosity with her religion since it was pretty evident to me life was not going as I had hoped it would and I had this empty place that nothing I did seemed to fill.

I went to church with her on Sundays and went to a few bible study classes and started going to church functions.. This was a lively active church that there was lot of uplifting music and really good singers in the congregation.. Which to me was really unusual being I was brought up in a Methodist church that still used the classic Christian songs written my the classical composers that droned on.. Not to mention people were singing that didn’t know how or want to..

Being a singer this in itself was enough to keep me interested.. People here really seemed to care about each other.  I felt a feeling of joy the moment I walked in the door.  I didn’t quite feel comfortable with the people.  I always felt kind of like an outsider to any group of people.  But I was getting caught up in it..

Most of the Church stuff occurred during the day or early evening. My other life, the dark side, I was not ready to give up yet.. I quit doing most of the drinking  but still hung out with my other friends at the bar every night.  I would go there just like I always had, only I would drink orange juice and sprite or some other non alcoholic drink.  I enjoyed the excitement of not knowing what would happen next.

One night a Guy named Tim who was a regular in the bar came in and I felt a strange overwhelming urge to talk to him about God.  Very unusual feeling since these were not God spouting people.

Tim was a biker, he sold drugs, he was partially crippled but never let it get him down.. He seemed to be well natured and smiled and laughed with most of the people there. As anyone knows if there is drugs and money there is guns.. and it was known he always had his.. His friends has a sort of respect for him..

Not known to me then, he was in intense pain everyday of his life.. I can’t recall now how it occurred but he was bent up and doctors had told him he would never walk. But he did. I heard that every step was agonizing for him, some days more than others.  I did admire his ability to still be able to get around and have so many real friends. He was different than the stereo type drug selling bikers.  Many of the girls fancied being with him. Though I wasn’t one of them.

But one night while sitting at the bar I felt a calling, needing urge, to speak to him about God.  I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I ever thought.  No way I was going to approach this man and try to discuss God with him.  So I chose to ignored the strong urge. And just went about other things though for some reason it never left the back of my mind.

My life started getting a bit more complicated I was more unhappy and lonely than before not fitting in anywhere. I was no longer drinking and still hanging out with friends that did so it didn’t feel quite right. I was also with Christians, yet went to bars and hung out with the partying crowd and heavy metal rock scene, which they were very disapproving of.  It was a strange mix.  I was having money troubles, and having no significant other was really weighing on me.. It made me lonelier than ever.

Life continued to get worse for me.. Being that I was not fitting in with the partying people as much, some started to point out my differences and those I thought were my friends were not always inviting me to the places I enjoyed going.

I didn’t talk too much about my growing Christian feelings. I only spoke of it with a few of my friends that I knew would not judge me or think me odd.. Surprisingly some of them had brushes with faith and religion themselves. All had found places in there lives to work it in..

Could be that this was what united us as friends to start with.. We never hurt anyone never judged and were always there for each other. Like an extended family of misfits that looked out for each other.

There were many weeks I refused  to talk to Tim.. Every time I seen him the urge returned.. God wanted me to tell him to pray.  I started getting the feeling that this was the reason my life seemed so chaotic at this time.. Because I would not do what I was told to do.. After all God had done lots of stuff for me..

I was one of those people that always seemed to have an angel on my shoulder in a problematic time. Here I  was telling God, or whoever was doing the urging, NO when asked to do something in return.. I just somehow knew things would not get better until I gave the message.

It just seemed too ridiculous to follow through with..  One night I was sitting with one of my more open minded friends at the bar, who like me, went there more to be with exciting people rather than to get drunk.. I told her about this crazy almost nagging urging feeling.. She and I had talked previously about this baby Christian thing.. She felt if I was being directed to do this I needed to do it..

I made the decision to go for it.. What did I have to lose a bit of ridicule. I knew I had to do it when he was away from his other friends so not to create gossip.. Going up to him in the first place was going to be different..  He went up to the Jukebox by himself and there was no one in the area. I made my move..

“Hi Tim, I know you don’t know me very well but I have something I need to tell you and it is going to sound really weird but I have to tell you”  He gave me his attention and did not seem to be rejecting me so far, inviting me to continue. “God says it’s time to phone home. He wants to talk to you.” “I know how crazy it sounds.. I won’t bother you any more..”

I had done it.  I was ready for the ridicule the ‘get out of my face’ stuff.. But instead I got acceptance. His response was not what I expected.

His face expression was not rage or shock. It was not disapproving. He told me I should not have been afraid to tell him that.  He went on to tell me that when he was younger he was very involved with the church.. He had been an alter boy when he was growing up and had a very religious back ground. That he had fallen away from it in the past few years.  The rest of the conversation is sort of a blur now (years later).  I was so amazed he was opening up and telling me this. I couldn’t picture his saying anything like this to anyone else let alone him talking to me about it.

I thanked him for not freaking out on me.. “You should never be afraid to say something you need to say”

I never approached him again about it.. We never really formally spoke again. But when ever he came into the bar he would smile at me and give me that knowing nod of our shared secret moment. I would share a smile back. That was the extent of our acquaintance.

Surprising thing was my life started getting better.  My friends in both parts of my life included me as I was. My money problems straightened out.  I felt less alone and felt good inside. The darkness had lifted.

A couple months later I felt the call again.. This time it was to get a close friend of mine to pray with me for Tim.  We were sitting in the car getting ready to go into a party. My friend was a bit stoned. I fit in nicely as a designated driver. I told her we needed to pray for Tim.. And without question we both closed our eyes and gave a silent prayer for him.. Again there was no question in what a strange thing I had suggested it was accepted and let go. She was my best friend but still it was a strange request.. But she was more associated with Tim and his pains than I was at that time.. So maybe she actually realized how much he needed the prayer..

The next week we seen him again at the bar.  As Tim walked in the bar he collapsed on the floor as he came in the door.. His legs gave out on him and many ran to his aide. He was in intense pain and they were almost afraid to try and move him . Finally they got him up and took him off somewhere  I only seen him once more the next week at the bar and everything seemed normal.

He didn’t show up at the bar for a few weeks we just  figured he was out with a different group of friends somewhere. We all would do that from time to time.. Sometimes shack up with someone and hole away or hang out with a different set of friends, but we always came back.

Tim didn’t come back..  One night I was sitting at the bar and the word came. Tim had committed suicide. He had been in increasing pain lately and had been getting really high to alleviate it.  Story goes some where out of town he took out his guns and blazed them into the air like a drunken cowboy and then put one to his head and fired.

I felt a very deep sadness about this man I barely knew, but for his reputation and our short conversation. Had this been the reason for the message? Had he heeded it? Some how I felt a bit of comfort knowing I had delivered his special message from God.  It still gives me chills thinking about it.

It was never mentioned amongst the friends that knew about ‘the message’. No more than a meeting of eyes when it was spoke of his leaving this world.

After that my life seemed to change.. I eventually fell out with the Church I had been going to when the congregation could not forgive the pastor for something he humanly said to someone at a bad time. I felt that was too hypocritical of people that were supposed to be so “religious” and believing in the teachings of Jesus. How could they not forgive him?

I walked away from that part of my life. I took with me what I had learned. I listen to the feelings to do something when guided in that direction no matter how crazy them may seem.  Sometimes that message, though it may seem odd to me, turns out not to be at all. It brings me peace

I have had other interesting brushes with faith throughout my life. But this tale ends here.

As Tim told me.. “..Never be afraid to say what you need to say”
There could be a greater reason.

Tim Alshire Rest in Peace

*************************

Have Faith …not religion

I haven’t a fear of surgery itself but of being put under.  I can’t get past the idea of a drug induced sleep that I cannot wake myself up from.  Of course, I am speaking of the possibility of never waking up that scares me.

I know the logical reasons for this not being a concern. I realize if I don’t wake up there are no more problems for me; I would never even know about it. Worry over. It doesn’t stop me from worrying though. I keep thinking should I be calling loved ones and telling them all the appropriate things or just acting like it is another day? No use worrying people that don’t need to be worrying about things. I have very mixed feelings about it.  After all they are cutting into me. A part of me will no longer be part of me.

The few people I have told about it seem unconcerned about it.  Everyone seems to know someone that has had the surgery with little or no problem. There are a few stories of after surgery problems with bowel movements or infection but even those seem few and temporary. No one had horror stories of anyone dieing from the surgery. Which should relieve my mind.  But it doesn’t

I guess it probably all stems from when I was a teenager.  My mom’s best friend was undergoing what was supposed to be a common place hysterectomy. She had an unknown blood clot and it moved to her heart during surgery and she died on the table. She was young and other wise healthy at the time. But one minute she was alive and vibrant and a couple hours later she went to sleep for an hour or two under anaesthesia and never woke up. She left behind 4 kids and a husband. Everyone told her not to worry it was a very routine operation.

So, in the not so back of my mind, this lingers. The fear of the unknown.  Is this my time? Could some fluke of something unrelated to the surgery do me in?

I love life… most of the time.  I want to live and enjoy all the great things there are in life.   Instead of enjoying the last few days before the surgery and doing extra fun things I am hiding my feelings inside. I am just going through the day in day out repeat things in life pretending like everything is fine without a worry in the world.

Underneath I am wondering could these be my last days on earth?

Guess I’ll let you know in a couple days… or not….

Today a friend came by from out of the blue. I met her back when we lived on the road with my husbands job, about 7 years ago. Her father and mother and my husband all worked together.  We were a nomadic bunch being with a company of industrial electricians.  Her family was from Louisiana.

I first met Michael when she was just 15. The only thing “just 15″ about her, was her age. She was one of those really beyond her age kids. Very mature from being around older people all the time. You could easily forget how old she was.

Michael started coming around once in a while.  I enjoyed my conversations with her, and she with me.  We became great friends. I never grew tired of her as some older people do when teens come around. She was like a breath of Sunshine after the darkness of the  previous few years. Many times her friend April was with her. We all three grew quite close. Both of them were the rare girls the ones beautiful both inside and out.We were all best friends despite our years of age difference.  They were old for their ages and I am forever stuck in young.

Her mother had asked me to make sure her youngest daughter Sami got off to school in the mornings.  She paid me a few dollars a week but I would have done it for nothing. I would take her to the bus stop every morning. and we would sit there and watch the clouds and play I Spy.

Michael was old enough she didn’t need me to watch her.  I am sure her mother was happy that I was there in case an adult was needed. I didn’t tell Michael what to do and we talked about things from different perspectives. Some times really deep things. Most of the time is was much deeper and widely looked at things that most people never even think of. Our minds met in some way.

Several times thru the years we met back up with each other on different jobs. We spent hours just talking about this and that. Good choices and bad choices. Sharing our dreams, pasts and futures. But in the end we always knew the future would lead us in different directions. Miles and miles apart..

I knew one day she would grow up and move away. Go to college and have a family of her own. Which of course happened.

She was 17 the last time we lived in the same place. New Bern, NC.  It was a really nice place. I didn’t work, and again watched Sami for her mother.  Though I think Michael and I spent more time together than anything.

She had a little dog that would come with her. My half german shepard/half chow mix dog just thought he was the greatest little friend. They would play for hours together. They would have to be reminded of their size differences from time to time. But is was a blast to watch them play.

I tried to guide Michael in thoughtful directions. Directions that would keep her safe on her journey thru the teenage years. We shared the stories of my successes and failures thru my own years on my path to adulthood. She listened. of course she didn’t always make the choices I hoped, but she made the ones she needed to make for herself and her life. Something we all have to do.

That year she fell in love with a man. I was not altogether happy for her choice and the thoughts of age difference made me very uneasy for a match. I kept having to remind myself of the maturity level of the woman housed in the girls body.  I called her friend why wouldn’t another my age find her beautiful as well. I didn’t lie to her about my dis-ease with this choice but didn’t try to change her mind. It was her life and she had to make these choices and no one else.

A man who is middle age falling for a young girl is not viewed very well in today’s society.  I knew the man and thought he was a nice enough person just too old. I know happiness is what really matters in life. He did make her happy.

The war pulled us away from the road life. Clint was sent over seas.
Our paths separated at that time. She and her family went their way and we went ours.

After Clint left for war, I was invited by her Mother and Father, close friends of the ours also, to come down and join them for Mardi Gras. They were dedicating a float to the servicemen and wanted Clint’s picture on the float.  They invited me to come down for a week.  I felt sort of odd going down there so soon after Clint left.  I did not expect to hear from him for a while and knew I would be sitting there nervous and scared for him while watching the growing war in Iraq blasted on every TV channel on the Satellite.

It was sort of a strange week.. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be spending time with. Her mother and father or the kids. It always felt funny when I was around her parents not that I didn’t like them.  On the contrary I liked them quite well.

Michael was the one I considered my friend. She knew my feelings and understood my loss of Clint leaving. She could fully understand.  The way only a true friend could.  But here, at her home, she was also her own age, with her own friends. I was always asked to be included to join in, but to me her friend were just kids.

I had a wonderful time and it was a good distraction from what was going on in my world. I think Michael’s parents knew that. They were supporting Clint by letting me feel included in their family. Letting him know they were my friends too. They were honoring him with a float in a Mardi Gras parade for all to see.

After Clint’s Iraq time was over and he came home we went on vacation. First to Florida and then to visit Michael’s family. We were going to surprise them but couldn’t find the house.. I thought I would be able to remember but it was almost dark.. So I had to call them. It was much more natural when he was there. Scotty was there with Michael and most of her time was spent with him. So there wasn’t much time for our old heart to heart talks. But we still enjoyed the days together.

After we came back home I lost most touch with Michael. Occasionally there would be an email from her or Sami. Filling me in on happenings. We tried phone calls a couple times but they just felt a bit awkward.

A month before her graduation from high school Michael quit school and left with Scotty. We were invited to her wedding and I really wanted to go but the distance and time didn’t allow for it.

I made her promise to get her GED which with the good head she had on her shoulders she had full intention on doing. Which she did.  Soon she was pregnant with a little baby of her own on the way.

She did alot of the raising of her little sister Sami and was  very excited about the little addition to the family. At the same time she was putting herself though online schooling and got a degree in criminal justice. I was so proud of her.  I knew she was smart and she was making all good choice for her. She was so happy the few times I got to talk to her I knew she had made the right choice for herself in marrying Scotty.

I got a few pictures from time to time but over the last year had sort of lost track of my girls, Michael and Sami, but the impression they left in my life will always be here. It was as if they were my own family. They were the family I would have always wanted had things worked the that way.  For now I had lost touch with them.

I always knew as they grew up they would have their own lives and they would forget about me and Clint.  We were only there a few short years in their young and busy lives. I dealt with that. I had prepared myself for it all along though we never dwelled on it.

The one thing I always stressed is that I was only an email away.  No matter how far our lives took us we always had that.  They knew they could reach me any time if they needed me or just wanted to say hi from time to time. They both promised they wouldn’t and couldn’t ever forget me.

Which takes me back to  today… well, almost.  The last couple weeks I have been feeling extremely homesick. I was missing my friends. I’m not sure what brought it on or why, but I  definitely have been having a case of the Blue Flu. It is a darkness that eats at me making me just want to get in the car and go to a place I know will not be as I remember it, nor will the people be the same as I remember them. But I yearn for it just the same.

It’s been 2 1/2 years since Michael had her baby. Over 3 years since I had seen her. It has been almost a year since I heard from her last.

Today there was a knock on the door.

Sitting here in my PJ’s in front of my computer my dogs announced an arrival, as dogs do.  By the time I got to the front door no one was there.  I went to the window to look out the side and there was someone at the other door with long hair and normal clothes. Didn’t seem like a politician or a Jehovah  witness. So I ran around to the other door to see who it was.

I got to the door and before I could see past the the silhouette I heard a familiar Southern born voice. A blast from the past.  A call to my heart.

It was my Michael. She was less her teenage make-up but just the same. She had Scotty and Layla with her.  My heart felt so full it could have burst.  Tears stung at the corners of my eyes as I invited them in.

I felt sorry for Scotty as I am sure he felt out girled the way we were talking.. Clint wasn’t here and Michael and I were just like old times.  Chattering and talking away about happiness and old times. About kids and dogs and how life had been treating us.

I was happily amazed and my heart was full. My girl had come home.

She said she was surprised with my elegant living room and thought perhaps she had the wrong house. She had never seen my real house only the 5th wheel camper we lived in at the time.. Making the places we called home sort of a far away mysterious place we talked of and described to each other but had never seen.  She said she never expected it to be so elegant and it didn’t seem like me.. I said my thankyous and asked why a bit surprized.. “You know I am a dreamer.. Where else would a dreamer live but in a castle. That is what I wanted the rooms to look like..” Then she understood.

We had an fantastic visit and are going to have breakfast out in the Morning at a local buffet. Clint will be so excited.  He too will be just as happy as I am..

Scotty said something about having heard land is pretty cheap around here. I told him yeah It can be.. He said he would like to settle down some where permanent sometime in the furture.. I told him it was a great place to raise a family. Low crime rate, self sufficient small town. I know it was a long shot since Michael doesn’t like the cold. It was nice to think about though as I told him our dream of putting in a few places to park out on the farm. In case of times like this when people we travelled with came in off the road with their campers and would have a place to stay.

Michael told me she is pregnant again.. 4 months. Their little girl is beautiful, and just learning to talk.

They stayed for a couple hours.  A very nice visit. Layla was not quite ready for giving me a hug yet. But I wasn’t going to push her.

Tomorrow morning promises to be fun.. Better for Scotty since he will have Clint to talk to instead of two chatty girls.

I guess this is where we came in..

Friends are awesome. Some times when you least expect it and you need a friend most. they appear, out of nowhere… they just are.

******************************
Instead of there being only one of you, now there’s two… amazing
-Dreamer

Her father was sitting next to her and tried to get her attention back on her meal but it was obvious she was thinking about something to do with me. After a while I seen her lean over to her dad she said “I think she’s lonely”

Kids say unusual things sometimes as they observe the world around them. She was making reference to me sitting alone at my table. I frequently go out to dine by myself. I am one of those independent people. If I want to do something and don’t happen to have anyone with me I will still go by myself and do it.

I never give it a second thought. It’s something I have done for years. Dining out is not the only thing I do by myself. I have been known to get lectures from my friends on going to an afternoon Major league baseball game or a Rock concert sometimes long distances from where I live.

What I do give a second thought to is when people think it peculiar that I do these things. Why should a person live their life content to only do the things their friends want to do or have time to do?

I have an eclectic listening taste in music. I think about all the wonderful experiences in music I would have missed had I not gone by myself because my friends did not like that kind of music or did not have the time or money to go to a concert. I think about the museums I would have missed or the great people watching experiences.

If you are with other people you miss a lot of what is going on around you. Not that I feel that is a bad thing. I think friends are great. And I love doing things with them. But they can distract from seeing a lot of life’s experiences

One such instance that comes to mind is when I met an online friend from Scotland who turned me on to a Man named Fish. His music is amazing. To me he has one of those voices that sings in the soul. His lyrics are great, but I just enjoy his voice.

I was living on the road with my husband about four hours from home. So none of my friends were anywhere near me. Fish made a trip to the US to do a small concert tour, which is a very rare event. I had a choice, go by myself, since my husband was working, or miss the rare event. So I drove 3 hours from where we were staying to go to his concert.

Not only did I get to see his concert and enjoy his music I got to meet him, talk with him and shared a few laughs. But I also met many other people that even years later I still have occasional contact with. It was a phenomenal experience for me that I will never have again. Since I left early to miss the rush hour traffic of Atlanta I also got to go to a really neat exhibit called the Cyclorama and Civil War museum near the Atlanta zoo.

Had I gone with friends I would have left at the last minute not gone to the exhibit on a whim and not met the great talented people I met that day. Not to mention getting to drive home with the scent of Fish’s cologne on my shoulder from a hug I got from the gentle giant.

Was it wrong for me to go by myself to such an event? I don’t think so. To most people what I did was outrageous, bordering on eccentric.

This was the way they felt about my vacation to go and stay with a friend and his family in Scotland when I had met him on the Internet.

By being independent I have done something none of my friends have done. I have traveled across the oceans and got to experience what it is like to live in another country. Not from a motel room as a tourist; though I did do some touristing, but was involved in day-to-day life with a real family and their friends that lived there.

My friends thought I was crazy. They thought I was throwing myself into danger and I would never live through it. Perhaps it was a bit dangerous. Perhaps it is a bit of an adrenalin rush to do things like this. But my life is exciting, and adventurous and full of experiences that many people never have and never will have.

I am not completely careless when I do things like this. I consider alternatives incase things go wrong.

I think of the lecture I got from some rock band friends of mine telling me it “Doesn’t look right” when they came across me walking back to my car a couple blocks away from Wrigley Field after a afternoon baseball game I went to by myself. They wouldn’t let me enjoy the rest of my leisurely walk thru the neighborhood to my car cause they were afraid or worried of how strangers would perceive me. (It’s not a bad Chicago neighborhood. or it wasn’t at that time) They lectured me all the way to my car. I just told them I had wanted to go to the game and I couldn’t find anyone else at that time that wanted to go. Each one told me if I to a game in the future to call one of them, and not go by myself. Most people would have felt they were a dangerous bunch to be around.

Perhaps I am naive. But I feel if something bad is destined to happen to me it can happen if I cross the street in front of my own house.

I think of that little girl and her words about thinking I was lonely. I only hope her father would one day encourage her to know the difference between lonely, alone and independent. And that she can find the joy in independence, and will be able to savor the experience of eating a delicious dinner alone in a restaurant without a thought of being lonely.

I went shopping this week. Mind you, it is still a week before Thanksgiving, not only were all the stores full of various Holiday season decorations, but there was Christmas music playing in many of the stores. Even more unusual was that the store employees seemed to be enjoying it.

What happened to the cries of commercialism and lectures on when the holiday season is supposed to begin?. Could it be that people are in the Holiday spirit already? Could it be they are just taking advantage of being able to shop early to beat the rush, or do people just not care any more? It’s not as though they can do anything about it anyway.With the cost of holiday gift giving these days you have to start months before the holiday not to feel the horrible pinch of the Santa money belt.

Many stores have done away with the layaway so waiting and getting everything right before the holiday when everything is on sale is out of the equation.. So paying full price for having to shop early is going to also cost the seasonal consumer more. Do the stores think the buying public won’t notice?

Probably the majority will notice their money is not going as far but will not fully realize that it is due to the creative thinking of the department stores executives raising their bottom lines.

I have to wonder if there is ever going to be a point where people say enough is enough. Some times I think the everyday people have just given up; perhaps feeling there is nothing we can do but just suck it up and go with the flow..

Companies downsize. cut bonus’. find ways to keep their employees from making more money while the cost of living keeps getting higher. People have to work more hours and harder to fill in the spaces of the smaller labor forces and paycuts. The outrageous fuel prices cause a trickle down effect touching every part of our lives. And now the holiday season starts in mid October instead of the end of November.

It just keeps getting worse every year.. People are too tired to fight back.. Too tired to complain or organize ways to get around the system.. It seems instead, that people are embracing the fact that they can start their holiday shopping early so they don’t have to do all that last minute crash shopping. They are willing to pay the non-sale prices just to get an early start..

I guess I have to admit, when I went shopping with my husband earlier this week I was doing some early Christmas shopping myself. I got a couple things that were hard to find items.. I enjoyed looking at the decorations and sang along with the occasional holiday song..I didn’t complain aloud about the early holiday setups.On the way home I just enjoyed the colorful leaves on the trees that the late autumn has left behind.. I thought myself quite clever to be ahead of the holiday shopping game..

Now, I am shaking my head with a little grin, knowing I fell right into the store’s game plan and paid more and earlier; just helping their before holiday season bottom line..Oh Well…. Fa La Lala la.. lala la la

I was listening and turning down the volume of the usual blast of loud commercials when I heard one that really bothered me.. “Do you owe over $10.000 to the government in tax debt.. If you do we could settle your tax debt for just pennies on the dollar…”

What.. pennies on the dollar? and they made enough money to have to pay $10,000 dollars in taxes.. And now I hear they won’t even have to pay most of them.. Why the heck not?  I have to pay mine. Everyone I know struggling or not has to pay theirs.  How come some fancy TV advertising lawyer can get some rich person standing in front of a near million dollar home out of paying most of their taxes.. “And we didn’t even have to lose our home”  Well, Yea Rah! for them. I’d be standing there smiling like a cheshire cat too if I just got the tax people to say “okay, hey don’t worry about it..

Every year the little guy like me pays my couple thousand to Uncle Sam.  Struggling to pay them religiously out of our paychecks.  Heaven forbid I am even late in paying the couple hundred that they didn’t get from my pay. For a  $70 mistake my tax prepared did on my taxes one year, they put a lien on my house with threat of selling it at public auction within months of the error. Seventy dollars and they were going to garnish our wages and sell our house and not let us tag our cars.. And these people who owe tens of thousands of dollars are not going to have to pay most of theirs..  What is wrong with this picture?

What makes them so special?  Why do my taxes that I have t pay go up every year and they are giving tax relief forgivemess to enough people that they have a commercial to target them?  Is that fair?

I still think of that little mistake my tax preparer made everytime I see that commercial and it makes me mad all over again. Of course I had a smile on my face when I found out it was a computer glitch that didn’t calculate the taxes correctly for our area at the good old IRS.. It took several months of worrying about losing our house and having to repay what we didn’t owe in the first place to keep them from putting a lein on the house and cars. Then we get a letter with a check saying, oh sorry our mistake here is your check back..  (paraphrasing of course, but you get the gist)

Maybe,  instead of this obvious, generous amount of people who owe the IRS huge amounts of back taxes being forgiven, they had to pay their taxes like the rest of us hard working middle and lower class americans, we wouldn’t have to watch our taxes go up, yet again, next year.

What is wrong with America???.

When you are young you rarely think of the consequences of your behavior or how it effects other people. There is rarely any deliberate rebellion. Rebellion is just a sub- conscience reaction to things. A need to keep boredom at bay.

As you grow older spontaneity is a little less frequent. Life does not allow for the fun little “do for yourself” moments. Life is filled with the consequences and reminders of them. Not only do you not have the energy for rebelliousness, you just can’t find the time.

If you do something rebellious when you are older you are fully aware of what you are doing and how it will effect others.. And most of the time that is why you do it.. Of course that is unless you are intoxicated by some means. Then, of course, you are just plain not thinking at all.

With age comes responsibilities.. (how I yearn for youthful rebellion sometimes) Those “go out and get into mischief days” turn to things like eating a really large helping of your favorite ice cream when you know you shouldn’t have any at all or some other self destructive behavior. After all you don’t want to hurt anyone else. Well, most of the time anyway..

Another one of the things you never think about when you are young is your health. You don’t think about the massive amounts of alcohol you drink at a party as doing damage to your liver. Or the cigarette you smoke with your friends damaging your lungs or heart. You may know of those things but you really don’t think too much about it.

Women wear high heals that are wearing out your heal tendons and apply makeup to their youthful colorful complexions in the name of beauty and all that natural color disappears. . Many enjoy the laying out in the sun for hours with girlfriends getting a tan. Oops if you get a sun burn. It peels and heals and all is well again. You don’t think about a new freckle as a possible melanoma

You don’t think your music is too loud and you turn up your favorite songs a little more or opt for the concert seats right in front of the bands speaker towers at a concert.

Youthfulness is just naive about what the future holds.. After all who thinks they are going to be 50 years old when they are a kid.. I am sure I am not alone in thinking I would never live to get old.

Strangely enough like most everyone else I have gotten older. I am now starting to face the realities and consequences of my youth..

Nope, I can no longer drink like I use to.. The hangovers just about kill me.. Staying up all night, sleeping for 2 hours and doing it again is not even a second thought anymore. I know it is not going to happen.

I notice I am watching the lips of people I am speaking with more often to make up for the words I can’t hear as well due to all that music that wasn’t that loud in my past. That works pretty well only now my vision is getting a bit blurry too. So I have to read their lips from a little distance away.

When I get a bit of heart burn or strain a muscle in my arm and feel a bit of pain I start worrying is this what a heart attack is.. Should I go to the doctor and get checked out.. Is this the beginning of the end. Now when I get clumsy and fall on my knees I wonder are they going to heal this time or is the pain going to turn into arthritis and last for the remainder of my life.

I do have some really cool stuff now that I am older.. I have some nice uncool bills to go with them. I actually care if they get paid, more scary, I worry about them being paid on time. I never used to think about it as I played the bill collectors lottery when I was younger. Putting all the bills in a hat and pulling to see which one got paid. (You got me the shut off notice first.. Congratulations you’re the new winner of this months Bill Collectors Lottery!!)

I realize now that there is a future and am trying to save money for it. Which seems a bit fruitless most of the time.. There is always some expense waiting for me to save up a little money for the future, and takes me back back to start over again.

If find myself thinking of my high school friends and think about calling them up.. For some reasn I think they will remember me and everything will be just as it was.. Though it has been almost 30 years since high school.. Yeech 30 years.. Weird, I don’t feel at all like it has been that long.. It feels like only a couple years ago I was bar hopping and dancing all night going to concerts and baseball games. Not sleeping for days on end.

My mind is as sharp if not more so now than it was then.. But my body… I look in the mirror and wonder who that stranger is with the lines forming around the eyes and with the grey hairs popping up above and beyond all the rest as if to shout out. “You’re getting older stand up and be proud!'’.

I find myself sitting back lost in the “I remember when”s, that I keep in silent sanctuary. What a youthful wild hell-cat I used to be..

Just to be spontaneous I decided to color my hair to get rid of those “hey look at me” greys. and buy a new outfit, some new shoes call up a few friends and go out to the local hot spot have a drink and do a bit of ‘Born to Be Wild’ dancing. But since I am old enough to know the consequences of such behavior I chose a different route.

I did color my hair, but I opted to save some money and stick with my comfortable jeans and tennis shoes; stay home and drink a couple glasses of wine. I know my friends will be too busy raising their families to go out and have a drink anyway. I think I will be rebellious and not answer the phone when it rings and for something really spontaneous, I think I might just call it an early night and pass on all my favorite commercials on TV and go to bed early.. I am kind of tired again tonight…

I hope I’m not getting sick *wink*