JOKES or FUNNY STORIES

Almost Anything Goes

Alligator Boots

Postby BenLaney » Sat Jul 24, 2004 6:07 am

A kid approached an older man who was sitting on a park bench. Thinking he might show the old man some kindness by being friendly, the kid stopped and said, "Mister, those are very nice alligator boots you are wearing!" The old timer looked over at the kid in suprise and said, "Son, you must need glasses! I'm sitting here bare-foot! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Postby Dreamer » Mon Aug 23, 2004 10:31 am

PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy? "Titanic" or "My Life"
by Bill Clinton ?

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: . . Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica . . . . ooh, let's not go there, either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary . . . . basically the same thing
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Postby Stacey » Mon Aug 23, 2004 1:54 pm

lol.. that was cute becky
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Postby Dreamer » Thu Aug 26, 2004 7:37 pm

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...)

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window? ...
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Postby Dreamer » Thu Oct 28, 2004 1:27 am

> FLASHSHOT
> Daily Genre Flash Fiction
> ==================================================
> ISSUE SEVEN HUNDRED SEVENTEEN October 24, 2004
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> HOW TO STARVE AN INFERNAL LIFEFORM
> By Craig Wolf
>
> "Eat my what?" Adler asked.
>
> "Your soul, your soul!" The demon hopped like a child needing to pee.
>
"My soul."
>
> "Yes! Yes! Tasty!"
>
> "Listen," said Adler, "You want to know my life? Okay? I get up, eat a
> healthy breakfast of dry wheat toast and decaf coffee, then drive an hour to
> work, to a grey cubicle, and I enter auto insurance data into the a
> spreadsheet all day. Have a protein shake for lunch. Go home. Have
> something canned for dinner. Next day, same thing. So tell me, what do you
> think my soul tastes like?"
>
> The demon looked wan.
>
> "Er . . ."
>
Adler turned away. "That's what I thought."

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Craig Wolf writes all manner of weirdness from his home in Oklahoma, and you
> can find out just how weird if you buy his collection, PRESSURE POINTS, at
> shocklines.com (or Amazon, or Barnes and Noble, but Matt at Shocklines is a
> nice guy, so your karma will thank you). Word is Wolf's soul tastes like
> sesame chicken.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> © 2004 Craig Wolf
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Postby vampi » Thu Oct 28, 2004 9:55 am

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £10, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £10, Barbie Goes Shopping for £10, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £10, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £10, and Divorced Barbie for £195. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
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Postby vampi » Thu Oct 28, 2004 9:57 am

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddys!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
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Postby Dreamer » Mon Nov 29, 2004 2:44 am

This is not actually a joke but it is kind of funny to see if you can actually recognize our own american penny..

http://www.exploratorium.edu/exhibits/common_cents/index.html
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Postby Dreamer » Wed Dec 01, 2004 1:36 pm

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind =
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting =
the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105
mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a =
limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there? The Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."
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Postby poisonivy60 » Sat Dec 11, 2004 3:09 pm

Love the joke about the salk truck Dreamer...it was great...and Luc..loved the almost getting caught joke...sounds like a couple of people I know...Rosanne...Pms isn't funny..I hate when it hits...I do feel like a mad cow then...:lol: Cute Capricorn..iron that for me...I know several men like that... : :evil: :lol: :lol: :lol: Dreamer I can't believe you put the snail in here...I'm saving it...love it... :) loved all of them...thanks for sharing...hope you feel better soon...Capricorn...I needed these laughs today...thanks...don't have a joke right now..have to go to work...but i'll try to think of one tonight...joyce ivy :wink:
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