Almost Anything Goes

Postby Dreamer » Sun May 14, 2006 5:27 pm

Subject: I'll take Paul Lynde to block

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
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Postby Leah06 » Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:24 pm

my favorate is the last one. really funny..
What you do with your life is only half of the equation, the other half, the more important half, is who you're with when you're doing it.
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Postby vampi » Tue Dec 26, 2006 8:16 pm

An inmate in an asylum proclaimed loudly: "I am Napolean!"
"How do you know?" asked a fellow inmate.
"God told me" he shouted.
A voice from another room shouted, "I did not."
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Postby Luc » Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:59 pm

in an asylum there was a big commotion near a tall wall off to the outside parameter. a doctor was near by and decided to go check what was going on..

once there, he saw that a man was on top of the wall. he grabbed the nearest guy to him and asked what was up? " he says he's tired of being here and he's going to jump." replied the man..

the doctor looked at him and then looked back up at the man on the wall. he shouted to him " hey get down.. "

.. the man on the wall looked down at the doctor and said" no.. im going to jump" ... drastically the docter shouted " climb down right now or i'll go up there and throw you off the wall myself" .. the man on the wall look down and smirked.. "NO!" he shouted..

.. the man the doctor asked what was going on to stepped up and told the doctor to let him have a shot. doctor shrugged and told him to go right on ahead..

the man looked up at the other man on the wall and shouted to him " climb down right now or i'll go up there and throw you off the wall myself" ..

immediately the man on the wall climbed down. once on the ground the doctor grabbed him and asked him "he shouted the same thing i shouted at you why did you listen to him and not me."

.. the man that was on the wall looked at the doctor in bewilderment.. as if he didn't believe what he just heard..

then leaned forward and told him "that mans crazy .. he'll actually do it."
"The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence." - Lyman Bryson
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Postby Dreamer » Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:38 am

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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Postby Dreamer » Sun Feb 25, 2007 8:26 pm

what does a moron keep up his little sleevees

little armies

sorry lame but I thought it was funny
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Postby vampi » Thu Dec 13, 2007 7:15 pm

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife awakens to find her mother is missing.
She immediately awakens her husband and they both set out to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face to face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling" says the wife frantically. "Do something!"
"No" replies the hubby. "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
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Postby vampi » Thu Dec 13, 2007 7:46 pm

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's hundreds of them!"
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Postby LinzAy » Sun May 18, 2008 8:01 pm

rofl. awesome stuff here
~The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return~
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Postby Dreamer » Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:10 am

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly true.

"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
 - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
 - Why the early bird gets the  worm;
 - Life isn't always fair;
 - and maybe it was my  fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable  strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked  teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to  do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals&n bsp;received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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