"...Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?"
And with that Zacheriah O'Brian, his interest fairly aroused, flipped to channel 69.
It is here that my story begins with a gent suffering no erectile dysfunction. This is in no way relevant to my story however i do like to mens eyes twitch when the subject is brought up. So moving swiftly on let me paint the scene for you, so that you might feel part of the story, would you like that? if you would like that please press auburn on your sky remote...yes i thought you would...It wasn't a dark, stormy night with a fierce wind fairly clawing at the roof of the small house in fact it was just about tea time with clear blue skys, the birds were happily chirping in the trees. Again totally irrelevant to the story but I'm the one weaving this tale so like it or lump it. So there he was Zacheriah sitting in his favorite arm chair, it was his favorite because he found it behind cash converters, having just cooled down after nine or ten minutes of channel 69, found that giving it laldy did not infact get rid of his cold. He took a pen and scored the failed method of cold curing from the sheet on the table, he took a deep breath and sighed but soon started to splutter.
"Fine " he said
Deciding that the best method of removing his cold was to get some of that there cold medicine and a good old cup of honey and lemon tea. Phwar i love tea.. So after closing his barn door he prepared to meet with the commercial rulers of the world in 2025...ASDA (Dun dun dun) yes every little help? i don't think so for that is not the ASDA price. Anyway Z left the house in a good mood after a bit of "relaxing" and made his way down the ASDA building which soared above all of the other buildings. Now on his way down to the Spiritual center of the world, George, from behind he heard the familiar sound of a tractor being as the sound was familiar he ignored it. Not a good idea. First rule of life always keep an eye on tractors. The tractor being without a driver payed no heed to the "happy" gent making his way down the hill and subsequently left him as flat as a training bra. The last thought to enter the mind of Mr O'Brian was "Bugger"
The tractor weighing considerably more than Z continued it's merry way down the hill and into the main entrance of ASDA. This made the rulers of the known world very angry however due to economic circumstances and the weakened condition of the pound, nothing was done. Instead the head honcho of ASDA claimed the hole was not a hole and is in fact a new clever method of battling climate change with what they have called a super air vent...in other words a hole in the wall. Anyhow back to Z who was now crushed to such an extent that he was a choking hazard to those aged 0- 18 and of course the 65+ who feel the need to put everything they come across in their mouths hoping it will be their teeth. So Z after the destruction of his temporal body his transcendent soul was allowed freedom from its meaty cage of rampant human desire...pwhar... After his thought of bugger the world went dark, mainly because it was now about ten at night but it was darker still for Z. Because he is dead you see, if you haven't caught on yet. (don't try to survive a savage tractor beasting...it wont end well) A bright shaft of light descended from celestial heights and it spelled death for Z. He began his journey to meet his maker. No not china.
Groggily Z opened his eyes. Shiza, he thought, what in the name of a cat's bollock was i smoking last night. a fit of laughing closely followed this thought but we will skip that part yes? Good i am ever so glad you agree. Z soon realized that he had been run over by a tractor soon after he started his epic quest for tea....Phwar....Hmm but this makes about as much sense as Anne Robinson's face he though looking around the WHSmith. He gathered himself up from the linoololum, linumlium, linol...buggeration...he gathered himself up from the floor and brushed himself down. Thoroughly confused by his surroundings he made his way out of the store to find himself in a clean train station, that in itself was odd no chewing gum on the floors or seats, no homeless ppl sleeping on benches and urinating publicly. Odd, very odd thought Z as he cautiously shuffled over to the big board with all the arrivals and departures. If he hadn't already been savaged by a tractor he would of died of shock, the board read:
DEPARTURES: SOUL WAITING ROOM: CONSTANT
Soul waiting room? though Z with a sigh, Bugger, I'm more of a Rock 'n' Roll kinda guy... Do you see what i did there? Soul, rock 'n' roll? Ahh forget it I'm wasted on you people... Erm yes, so anyway, Z made his way down to stance 69, because that number had always been "good" to him. Once there he boarded the train and took a seat in an empty carriage. Hmm this is nice, he thought, and settled down for a nap.
And was quickly woken by shouts of: "TICKETS,TICKETS" By a "Portly" gentleman *cough* fat *cough*
"Good day Sir, I'm Margo the conductor, you name is? " asked the plump fellow,
"Zacheriah O'Brian" Said Z yawning soon after
"I'm sorry sir but this is the first class carriage I'm going to have to ask you to move" said the blimp with a smug smile
"Bugger...Theres not even anyone here must i really move?"
"I'm afraid sir, the manner of your death didn't quite merit a first class seat"
"Wanker" coughed Z
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Screamed Margo
"Nothing, sorry, i have the cold"
After that Z made his way down the train, on and on and on...and on...and on and on........and on. soon he came to another carriage befitting of a man who died in a tractor related incident. With no scenery to admire Z decided to catch some Zs. The Train soon came to a grinding halt. They where here...where ever the cats nuts here was.
"Last Stop: Waiting room 101" announced Margo the blimp as he sailed past not only that but the fellow also casually passed wind in Z's face as if they were on a Virgin train. Z fairly disgusted by the sent of Airwicks new rotting feces and diamond plug in airfreshner... I'd like to take a few lines to point out that lenor the fabric softener chaps are diddies, diamonds, rubs and other precious stones don't smell of anything...but oh well, once off the train Z found himself in plain white room which stretched way off into the distance as far as his short sighted eyes could see, which it must be said wasn't all that far. A short walk away at far wall stood an Ikea dest and various other Ikea products along with a rather plain looking woman.
"Ehhm, could you tell me where i am please?" asked Z
"Your in Limbo m'darlin' if you just wanna pop yourself down on an Ikea chair there" said the woman
"Yes, i did mean to ask...whats with all the Ikea?"
"This is Limbo my love not good not bad just pretty plain to be perfectly honest, just like Ikea init"
"Jolly Good...eh...so What now then do you fancy...i mean err...whens your lunch break..."
"You what love? Are you chatting me up? Am just a Windows Vista program cream cake a cant be doing with no tools in me USB port right now"
"Bloody Bill Gates...So what have i to do?"
"Well if you just scurry down to the far wall theres two doors you'll know what to do love"
So After being spectacularly shot down by a windows Vista virtual woman Z made his way down to the end of the room, which i might add took some time, then again being that time is a human concept to measure moment to moment one would suppose that when one dies there are no longer individual mo...Sorry back on task...So there he goes down to the end of the room, where just as the Vista wife said there were two doors. One red, one white. Z liking the vibrance in the plain room gave the handle of the red door a good hard twist, opened and walked on in...
Z, now through the red door, found himself in front of another door much smaller than the last one so he had to stoop down a bit to open it. The funny thing was there was no knob on this door just a penis shaped door bell. Against his better judgment and homophobic ways Z gave the penis bell a tug and found his ears blasted by that all time BC/AD Hit "Doorbell to hell". So after a good old head banging session the little door swung open and Z was confronted by the smell of several old people on a broken down First bus on a hot day that, and sour milk. He could practically smell the lumps. But being the trooper that he was he took a deep breath and stepped over the threshold and into Hell. Well, he thought , this is nice, central heating 24/7. Hmm, good but slightly parodied music, he thought with approval as he picked up "Hell-Land Anthems 2KEternity" - Bat Into Hell (SteakBread), Doorbell To Hell (BC/AD), Hot Buns To Hell (Blue Oyster Curry) Hell Is Living With You (Alice Cooker) And as a special bonus for all eternity a full length, uncensored showing of Electric Six's "Gay Bar" music video. For some reason the word "bugger" came to mind again. Eternity with Electric Six, Dear God, and just as he thought that last word a large man in a red pinny with horns on his head appeared in a smoker's cloud and bitch slapped O'Brian.
"There be no Gawd ere mate" said West Country Lucifer, the prince of darkness, the destroyer of worlds, the baker of delectable little cakes, you know the ones, with the little smarties on top...
"So are you the Devil then?" Asked Z,
"Ayep i go by many names, Lucifer, the prince of darkness, the destroyer of worlds, the baker of delectable little cakes, you know the on... You get the idea."
"Right so I'm a damned soul then am i?"
"That's why your here boy."
"Buggeration, Mr Darcy."
After those terrifying last words Z was escorted by some demons in erotic lingerie to his chamber. I wonder if all the damned souls in this damned place get this kind of treatment wondered Z. So once he was left alone Z made his way over to the large somewhat bridal bed and inserted a but plug...For safety's sake of course...And fell soundly asleep. Only to be awoken by the soft aroma of delectable little cakes on the soft breeze that caressed his face...
The sweet aroma of gentle little cakes clung to his skin the way that a passionate lover would cling to their sweet heart, gently caressing their skin wit...Cold Shower anyone?... Anyway the scent of those tasty little cakes dragged Z from his nap and he found himself face to face with the Devil, the prince of darkness, the destroyer of worlds, the baker of delectable little cakes, you know the ones, with the little smarties on top...
"Can i help you?" Z asked indignantly.
"Fancy a game of poker me old china?" Said the Grinning Devil in the pink pinafore,
"High steaks is it?"
"Yeh we got rib eye, sirloin, rump...Geddit? Just a little Devil joke for you."
"Let me check my schedule...Hmm Eternal damnation, eternal damnation, nope looks like your in luck, if I'm free till the end of time."
"Here put this on." Said the Devil throwing a belt and a handkerchief at Z,
So Z whipped off his clothes and tied the handkerchief round his naughty man bits and the belt round the nips...Picture it...So anyhow, scantly clad Z was led by the prince of darkness, the destroyer of worlds, the baker of delectable little cakes to a smoky room with a green felt table in the centre and from the ceiling, a low hanging green tinted light. Round the table sat Death, in his casual cloak and scythe, Lucifer, Mahatma Gandhi in his tartan dungarees, God and Hitler. Z took his place at the table and settled down, a plan formulating in his mind...
The cards were dealt...(Okay, I'll have to ask for some imagination here. If you can try to hum the Kill Bill theme tune, or even better play it in the back ground while you read this)...Hand after hand was dealt each, one struck Z a hefty financial blow, (Good thing it wasn't his own money) Soon he was out of playing money and had nothing left to bet. Or did he.
"Das Häagen-Dazs Mr. O'Brian." Said Hitler, "Ja, you are outen."
"I think not Herr Hitler" Said Z,
"And how, sir, is that?" Asked Gandhi,
"I bet my eternally damned soul, do you accept?"
"Zacheriah are you sure? Your not exactly good at poker me old china." Said Lucifer, the prince of darkness, the destroyer of worlds, the baker of delectable little cakes, you know the ones, with the little smarties on top...
"Yes. I'm positive."
On the table the "flop" yielded a pair of threes, Hearts and Spades and an Ace of Hearts. Z held an Ace of Clubs and a nine of Spades. Dear God let me see another three, prayed Z, the "Fourth Street" card was laid down. A King of Hearts. Hitler Folded. By this point Z was visibly shaking, if he lost this hand he would no longer be given the luxury of being the devils pet. Instead he would be the demons' bitch... The last card, the "River" card was placed down. Z, unable to control himself excreted a little urine, lucky he was only wearing a handkerchief. The last card was a three of Clubs.
"Pair of Aces." Said Lucifer,
"Nothing." Said Gandhi,
"Heart flush." Said Death triumphantly, reaching for the pot and Z
"Hold, Hold i say!" Shouted Z, "Full house; Aces full of threes."
"No!" Yelled Lucifer,
But it was too late Z was already being pulled back to Limbo nothing could stop him not even Lucifer. He was going for door number two and what ever pleasures lay within...
With a cataclysmic pop Z was brought reeling back into Limbo and not a moment too soon it would appear. The devils finger, now stuck to Z's shirt had been brought back with him. With a shudder Z threw the damned thing back through the red door and stood back to consider the other door. For the love of Angela Lansbury, thought Z, do i have to? With a resigned sigh Z pushed open the other door and was blinded by a blinding light. He stepped through the doorway and felt...Tingly and light. Z stepped into the unknown and began to gently float upwards into the celestial heights. Z touched down on a nice fluffy cloud...Then he stepped down off the cloud and onto a road leading up to a pair of colossal pearly gates. Z, feeling a sense of well being made his way up to the gates whistling Harry Belafonte's Jump In Line.
"Jump in the line rock your body in time. Okay, i believe you." sang Z,
As he neared the fabled gates Saint Peter spotted him and walked up to greet him.
"Salvete!" Said Peter in Fluent Latin,
"Hello?" Replied Z,
"I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to go down this side road please."
"I'm afraid the pearly gates are for more...Esteemed souls"
"Buggeration Mr. Darcy!"
"What was that?"
And off swanned Pete back to his desk by the Pearly Gates. The nerve, thought Z. However he did as he was told and followed a narrow winding side street and came to a halt outside a rusty iron gate. He pushed the gate open and stepped inside...
A small but powerfully loud alarm clock on the dresser table began to scream with the rage of a thousand klaxons. "Jesus!" yelled Z, as he rolled out out of bed to stop the clock. A bearded man burst through the door...
"Yes?" Asked the man,
"You called for me..."
"I'm pretty sure i didn't sorry."
"No you did you shouted Jesus. So here i am" Said Jesus,
"Oh! Erm, yeah sorry about taking your name in vain and that. Its a good thing that's not a commandment eh?" Joked Z,
"Look we don't have time. Get to church ASAP!" And with that Jesus swept out of the room.
What? Thought Z, for the benefit of out eternal souls we have to go to church every Sunday, then when we die when have to go to church every day for all eternity?! That's a bit of a kick in the old Doberman's danglers if you ask me. Bloody small print. With that Z trudged out of his room and down the golden corridor to the entrance of the Brobdingnagian basilica. When he was seated in one of the pews Z realized that the church seemed to be boundless and stretched as far as the eye could see. The joyous sermon droned on and on till some colossal bell, way up high in the cupola, rang sounding the end of the mass. This resounding bell woke Z from his sleep to find a glowing figure dressed in white standing before him a look of bemusement on his face.
"You are not yet ready to be burdened with death are you my son?" God stated more than asked,
"Well Lord, to be most honest through all the horrors and beauty i have seen since my death i would say that i am not yet ready for this after life." Said Z,
"Have you learned anything in your time?"
"I have learned i must lead a good life to avoid "That Place."" Said Z with a shudder,
"Well, I, in my infinite wisdom, will grant you one more chance to live a goodly life if you so choose?"
"Yes please Lord, please!" Begged Z
"Then it is done. Go forth and baptize in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the holy spirit." God blessed Z and the touched his forehead.
Zacheriah O'Brian Awoke with a start in his favorite arm chair Channel 69 spouting its usually late night, delectable goodies.
"Jesus! I'm alive!" Yelled Z, "And my cold is gone! Ya Dancer!"
And so he was, alive and well. Must have been a dream, he thought. But that night as he drifted off to sleep in his bed happy to be alive, the soft aroma of delectable little cakes floated across to caress his face...