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Some Things I Do Not Understand
Author: Shiloh

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We are given some things to handle in this life
that I do not understand.
There are those who say that God gives us trials
and troubles
in order to test us.

WHY?!!

Why would God do such a thing to us?
I do not feel stronger if I live through an experience
that hurts me so much that I just fall to the ground
and cry and wail and damn the fates in my pain....
that does no good in making me stronger or more able
to handle things.
All it does is hurt.

So why does God do such things to us?
If that is, indeed, what the reason for such things are.
I guess I fail the damn test,
because I am not able to stand up to the hurt, the pain,
the anguish.....

I am not able to face whatever it is unflinching,
not feeling the anger and the resentment and the hurt,
and I guess that makes me fail the test?
That's fine with me.
I never asked for the test to begin with.
It just sort of slipped up on me
and blind-sided me
and knocked me on my ass,
and I still cannot get back up.
I try to do what I think is right....
I try to live the way I think I should....
I try... but now I wonder why I even bothered to try.

I should be strong. But I'm not.
I should be brave. But I'm not.
I should be able to stand tall. But I'm not.
I should be so many things.... but I'm not.

What I am is hurt.
It is a hurt that I cannot bear,
but I must, - I will.
I hate it, but I accept it now.
There is no other alternative to that.

Always, however,
there will be this small bit of me
that is fighting the hurt,
that is crying in pain,
that is angry at everything....

You are gone.
That is the bottom line.

You are gone.

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