Dazed, one minute ok with the gazing look out into the abyss of the world that surrounds me. The next just the look at a dogís eyes reminds me of my old dog. And then something like that so simple makes everything else fall on top of me again like a domino game.
So I get back up, I walk away from whatís bothering me the most and I take it all in with the grains that get thrown at me. My past screaming at me from one direction and an empty look from another taking me to which side the day feels is more important I reflect on.
Walking away wasnít what I did. And I cannot stop thinking. Not about her but not having somebody around me. Not going to make the same mistake. Cant take just anybody in who doesnít truly care about me and just needs to fill a void, such as myself. Though killing me internally, messing with my mind, looking at how I thought things were so complete and perfect. Now blank, empty, nothingness that fills my soul like a dark cave filled with a cold mist of clouds.
Everyday a new adventure into the complete state of curiosity. Letting one mess with my heart, was way to much, though wanting the void filled its hard to just let anybody go when they come back into my direction.
Can there be something to detour me, can there be something to just let me live again the way I once did. I donít wanna drink it all away, I donít wanna sleep it all away, the state isnít of depression because I can still move on, but itís like having a book and ripping out the first half and telling me to figure out how the story began.
You never truly understand love. I know what it is , I did feel it, you always feel it if it was once there. Though the sting that kills any intent to wanna feel it again every time somebody nears your senses from a kiss is what kills after you dwell from the state of imperfection.
You go back, to what you had, the beautiful young perfection of your meaningless relationship. You try to look before that, like before the last relationship, and take a look at what you did. Then you realize you arenít and will never be that same person again. The times where nothing mattered to you in life where you could just blink and a new day would arise.
Thinking of the mistakes that brought you to where you were realizing you cant take blame for others mishapís. Then you take what you have try to let it all go because of the stresses. That doesnít work much either.
Clutter is all I can think of when I go into the back of my mind. As to why I waited to let her leave. Just got worse every single moment we were together and to think now if I had to do it all again Iíd run screaming for somebody to shoot me because everything she is was literally nothing Iíd ever go after. Though what I felt was real and thatís why it was so hard.
You really do change for the ones you love, take everything you have and put it on hold and just move on with a different look at life. And when itís all over with, your body is searching physically and mentally for what it once had, and how it at one time felt. And this repetitive process seems never ending.
Where did the pages to my life end up. If it is scattered around my head why cant I make sense of it. My exís arise, show their face and distant memories become whole again.
So the alarm starts to blare, you wake up and turn it off, the light starts to seep into your room from the sun, you check your messages from your computer to see a familiar site. One from almost 4 years ago.
Though knowing the truth, you want to keep the same image you had at one time. History replaying itself over and over again taking you to a place where you can at least say you were at one time happy.
Whether it be the eyes from behind that mental wall or the smile that you can bring back to make you smile. Feeling singled out like the past is showing itself to mess with my head. Asking the what ifís all over again. There was a reason why all of this happened. In love you need one thing more than anything to keep it strong and without it love never truly exists. Passion, keeps you yearning for more, keeps the smile of curiosity, keeps the heart alive, passion never dies.
I go back to the beach front of Lake Ontario, to the walk through the shallow water. To the purity and honesty of what was around me. To what back then made me write what I did. I see how things are 4 years later and how things change in mindset. Taking it all in as if it were yesterday.
Needing the feeling of life again, trying to breathe. Wanting the chance to make thing work this time. Without any doubt and plenty of sacrifice with worth. With more than just a thought, more than just the smile as you wake up next to the one you love. You breathe in again and your heart beats so fast because your body cant grasp the wonder that lies before it.
What happened to my great escape? What happened to my so called ending? What led me to the yearning for a complete state of being again? With my face feeling heavy because the emotion is showing so much on the outside that im nothing but empty inside. It feels like a life time from that summer and itís a silence broken in a moment.
Like your skin is healing from a bad sun burn. You can move about your day though you always are reminded of what put that burden on your every step that you take. The curiosity, the look, the honest glance and sincerity. The spark that glows so bright. Feeling comfortable with your surroundings. To be able to forget getting frustrated and saying out loud ďwhy botherĒ. Not used to this nor do I wanna be used to this. Nothing seems to add up. How can the magic work for so long and fade when its critical to stay.
If this is the one, fate will play out its course and I wont know until that day, though once again until then, a state of depression and emptiness will fill the empty hold in my heart until something stronger makes it way in to settle.
So I open the door into the cold mist, stare up at the clear night sky. Wishing for somebody to share the beauty with I come back inside. Lay my body to rest, fade into a dreamers paradise for what may be something to look forward too.