Waking up day in and day out, you take what you have for granted no matter what. During the time i was with her, i remember so many emotions waking up, thinking that only time will tell how long we will actually last, not sure as to why i let it go as far as i did.
Walking away was just something for me that seemed to easy, like a shady and hasty thing to do no matter how truly bad we were together. I know that she knows it was only a matter of time as well. Your relationship goes from being something of memory to something of a dream real fast. Though it may of been a few years you realize as time goes by how the memories fade in your mind.
The feelings you had at one time just disappear as if they were just a ponder or a what if glance into the direction of a place your heart does not want anymore. Though you can see that person, you can still hurt because that is natural, but the hurt isn't a hurt of an "I miss you", its more of a confused look into the direction of where your life used to be and how you realize it's nothing like it once was.
I've gone on and on about the same things before this is different. A motive of how i feel now compared to a tarnishing blow to my conscious a while back. Holding back I've done my best, rolling with the punches and the mental slaps to the face. It took a while to realize i didn't need to fill a void that never was faithful to begin with. It took a while to realize that she was gone and it was the best thing that could happen to me. It took me a while to realize i wasn't mad that she cheated on me, but about how she went about sneaking behind my back that really torked my senses.
Life is easier without the burden of somebody trying to run your life as they see fit. Going back to what i started to say at the top, you wake up and want to look into the eyes of somebody who loves you, though you wake up the last few days of your relationship knowing they are hurting you and honestly they care but they don't.
Thats what bothers me the most, if you dont want the stress i've realized its best to just avoid it. You see things as they are, if they aren't what you want then don't be where you are anymore. Take what you have and run with your conscious while you can, before you get stuck in a situation thats more of a burden and trust me way before you begin to lose touch with who you really are inside.
She turned me into this cold person, i used to look into her eyes when i first met and wanted to make her happy, but how unhappy she was because of how she cheated on me when we first got together made her unhappy, which in the long run made me unhappy. You get comfortable with yelling at each other because it's the only way you know how to show attention because both of you care about the relationship holding strong but you don;t care about each other as funny as thats sounds.
Time strands you and days become months real fast. Night after night dreaming of a different life with a different person or just free and able to do what you wanna do. Though we all know life will take it's toll on you and no matter what the truth will always bend enough to break that straw and let the world in on what is truly going on in your life.
You can lie over and over and so much you begin to believe your own lies. But the truth is in your heart, where you see that person you hurt, you may laugh on the outside but your only crying on the inside. They cant look at you because your not real to them anymore, your fake, you were fake and thats why they don't see you in existence. Invisible to their feelings and they have moved on. Where you have done the same but every night you sigh because you know where you think you should be and where you could be.
More time moving on and your life has gotten worse by your own mistakes and you look back and see how happy you once were and it wasn't truly that bad after all. Though he's happy, your not. Nothing you can do about that now, he's is and always has been stronger than you inside whether you want to admit it or not.
You can sulk behind closed doors, you can wish you hadn't done what you've done, but you both have lived with it your own way, my prayers were answered when i realized who i was really living with after 2 yrs of dealing with a lie.
Taking what i've said i've learned a lot in the past few months. Nobody needs to be around me to make me happy, i've got my friends that i truly love to death, and my family who's there for me no matter what and for whatever reason they may not agree with me they are there to catch me if i fall.
That is all you truly need in life. You don't need to be held down or they say hitched by something that doesn't feel loved but feels like your their job. Somebody like that is pointless you need that one that can be your everything and smile just becuase they are thinking about you when your not around, and same goes with you.
That one you wake up and actually thank God she's laying right there next to you. That one that you cant stop thinking about so you call just to tell them they are beautiful to make them smile so you in return can smile. That one that brightens up your day cause they put you 1st ahead of themselves.
Afraid of hurting again i don't know how to go about things, so i take it not just a day at a time but a glance back into my emotions that are trying to unwind and erase everything that my heart clears from my soul. Feelings being dealt like a deck of cards, finding out every day something new about the past that was never even true. Though I was able to stand back up, and walk forward, never looking back, or taking it slow. Taking what I have and showing how strong one person can be.
Pride was never an issue, you get beat up, you get torn, you get hurt so bad, crying isn't something to be ashamed of, not only crying but yearning for the simple reason that your confused and curious as to why you would move on so much with somebody when all you wanted was to be the most selfish person in the world.
Going into the realm of who I was a long time ago, you take half of what you were and find that old half again. It takes a while to realize that no void will help you, and you don't want that void filled with empty promises from either you or somebody else. You realize that life is better alone and you know that all those mistakes you made when you put that wall up to hide the fact she couldn't settle with one person, you make sure there will never be that question again.
To the people out there confused, if you think your relationship partner might be cheating on you, then guess what, They are. You wouldn't have to question it if you knew they weren't, its that simple. No more guilt, my eyes will never look that way again, my mind sees it as a never was just nightmare that gets erased bit by bit everyday I realize she was lieing and hurting me behind my back. You make up excuses and theres always the one person that is telling the truth and then the other who will go on with lies and more lies to make themselves feel secure.
Without passion, life cannot go on, events cant change lives. Without oxygen we cant breathe let a lone think. And without love, our heart will eventually stop beating. Though life's not worth it when the one you loved, didn't care enough about their life to make sense of their own.
People use love in too many sayings and way to easy in life as to wear it has no true meaning. If you've never been hurt, then you have no idea of that meaning. If you've truly never lost part of you and had to figure out who you were again, then you have No Clue what the meaning of Love really is.
You loved somebody when they stabbed you in the back, kicked you down a flight of stairs and left you for dead, and though you got up took that knife out walked away and healed up naturally in time, you still miss what you had because your heart sees no evil. Though your conscious knows the truth and knows how to even that whole situation out for you to make sense of it, so you don't repeat that dreadful story all over again.
Love isn't a word that just means your happy, every relationship has its ups and downs, though the value of how you treat and respect each other is what will make that difference. You love her for who she is, not what she is, for her family and how she was raised and what brought her to where she is today, not for how much she has what she can do for you. Love isn't selfish, it's a way of life between two people, making one life out of what they both have. And somewhere in between while cuddling watching a movie watching TV just staring into a sunset, you can glance at each other and kiss with meaning, not purpose. Thats a true meaning of the word love.