Im Still Here
Author: Luke Mudge


Counting steps, how i feel, people who write, people like us, know exactly what it's like to know how to write a masterpiece of thoughts and feelings onto paper.

Though have no clue how to put these feelings and words into reality. How I feel, the true meaning of what makes you happy, what we do in life and how we turn out.

I could sit here and say a lot of things about my life that I dont feel are going right, but fact is, in all honesty, im truly happy.

I mean everybody has the little things about their lives that they wish were a little bit different. Maybe a promotion, a graduation, or just as simple as a sunny day.

How to put this. . .

I put my thoughts onto paper, very seldom. Because when i do, it makes a permanent stain. Whether good or bad, somebody is affected by it. Looking back as past poems of mine im reminded of times that make me cry, and times that i feel couldnt get any better, and then i cry.

Its like I only can put things onto paper when my brain is cramped up with so much that I need to spill it out of me so i can make room for more crap.

So how easy can this be, .. hmm hmm hmm... ok family issues that are small, though turn that page,,forget it. not worth it...
, , , in time those issues go away, though time now has been a few months,

then an old roomate that makes sure the world knows everything thats going on in the world, well everybodies got one of those in their lives.. probably why im never around

ok now lets get a lot deeper..

my mind pauses.. i take a quick glance to Feb 1994.. im 12, cold feet, old bed room , no carpet, roof caved in, winter olympics, my parents living room. Probably the first thing I ever watched with my mom because i had no choice the living room was my room.... fast forward.. Card shop... my refuge so to say, im sure my dad thought of that as his as well.. only place i felt totally secure with who i was at that time in my life..

ahead a little further.. i was an idiot.. 22 thought i was gods gift.. thought that i could have anything and anyone, one cocky sob.. wow that came to bite me in the ass.. as to say and think that i deserved everything that happened to me the next 2 years of my life.. yuck..

so pause again.. im on fuller rd,, what a dump,, turned it into my little shack of a home.. paying way to much for electric and rent.. though at the time .. it was what i had.. and nothing else..

i remember being up to ears in debt..24 years old.. comming home from work.. writing out a lot of late checks,, after late checks..

really for once i was lonely,, had nobody,, that small shack was very big with nobody else in it.. I was turning into a guy i never met..

My grandfather on my fathers side..
Started with just comming home from work and trying to "relax" going out and mowing my yard for whatever reason.. nobody ever saw the yard.. then i'd grill some steak or burgers, 7pm would roll around and that meant my Yankees. Wow how they helped deal with a lot of emotional baggage..

Stored someplace deep, i just held onto it for a long time.. because thats what you expect to do when you are 24 you are divorsed.. .. no money, nobody around, and really no time for everything that is falling in your lap..

Then turning in and in night after night.. after a 12 pack , then another, then another,, and then.. not seeing how unhealthy i truly was,, i see pictures of myself back then.. totally unfilled out face, . not one picture w/out a beer or drink in my hand.. and i was proud of that..

I dont know the entirety of it.. but im sure i will in the future.. i dont go for checkups cause im 26 .. but.. I know theres something wrong with my stomach... but i forget about that ,, and the fact that since october 25 2005 I havent been able to go a few hours without some kind of sugar/food in my body without feeling so many symptoms, that you'd think by watching me that i was having a stroke..

What do you call it, when you lose sight in the left side of both your eyes, you start to black out, you cant process a thought you speak gibberish because you cant form a sentence, you shake even while your trying to feed yourself like you dont know how to use your fingers..

That about sums that issue up..

if it came from excessive use of alcohol or stress from my i'd like to say "previous life" . . . though taking all that and putting it in the recyclable part of my brain, I havent done my best.. to turn everything into a positive.

Never letting my heart down, taking what i have from growing up a little in the short 26 years of my life and ignoring the small things and learing from the even smaller things.

I talk way too much. Then I follow after I talk and talk some more, im an information junky who doesnt like reading about it in a book. I like to talk , learn, and explore ideas without thought sometimes and just with words and expression..

If i could count the times i've sat down, and started to type out something.. either a thought or a set of words.. and then gazed up.. to the shadow of a candlelight ..stopped my entire thought process, drew a blank, and didnt know what was next.. im following down that same dry road again..though looking for some other path..

Melissa, how she makes me smile..
She literally has done the unthinkable..
She found a rock, in place of my heart, and figured out how to get it to beat and work, and then found out how to put a new heart in it's place and has kept it beating in a calm pattern for almost 2 years now.

Like something out of a good music video, four wheeling out into a hay field in the middle of a moon lit night in the fall, to show me what it's like to be completely surrounded by silence and peace...

I never thought i'd find somebody that was my perfect fit in every way. You go from having many fears in life.. Simple ones from a fear of heights, then losing a loved one, then missing and missing a loved one.. Then trying to realizing you'll never actually lose those fears.. but then finding yourself thinking..

My biggest fear is loud and clear.. Im afraid to disappoint her.. truly, i see this very strong, intelligent woman that is so beautiful. I look at who i am today, though on the right step , I feel that I just am always a few steps behind where im supposed to be..

I marrying her on october 11th. Already getting tears in my eyes. I love her so much and though the world knows this.. i still want to scream it from a high mountain..I used to write a lot about romantic ideas , and times where I would just be with the one I love, and now that i have the one,, i feel that I havent been that guy.

And when i say the words "I do" I dont want any doubt in her head, I want her to love me for more than just what i have done for her. I want her to love me for what I have not done yet.. for the things I still need to do.. And want to do for her and with her.. together..

On Christmas, My gift to her, came from the heart.. For the 1st time I saw her cry real strong tears, good tears, tears that had so much emotion that Life itself stopped.. Kind of like now.. I ll leave it at that.. thought i guess for now complete.. thanks again to my keyboard, a candle light, some coffee, and good music.


Comments on this poem/writing:

shiloh ( -- Thursday, March 27 2008, 09:08 am

You have a good heart...

Melissa is so very fortunate to have you, just as you are so very fortunate to have Melissa... And you will always have your self-doubts - it's sort of what makes you stay on track - keeps you going, keeps you working at being better than you were yesterday, in so many things...
I'm proud of you, and you can be proud of yourself. Very much so.
shiloh ( -- Wednesday, February 24 2010, 04:36 am

my second read

and this time i see a bit more in it than i did before. you have a good way of putting things in print to make one think and ponder. i like pondering best.
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