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Lovesick Limerick
Author: Bipedalguy

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If the universe were my spittoon,
stars above would all dance to your tune.
The whole world would I bring,
With the moon on a string,
When you asked for a yellow balloon.

------- Author's Notes -------

I have tried a few times to write a Limerick. In every case I have been amazed at how bad they read.

I only used 2 basic rules (i.e. 5 lines, and the final syllables in lines 1,2,5 must rhyme, and likewise lines 3 and 4.) The original version of this poem shows how bad the result can be.

I finally looked up the rules regarding rhythm. (for Limericks) It stated that in a Limerick, rhythm is especially important. In this revision I tried to apply these rules of rhythm without greatly changing the poem, (which admittedly is crude) What do you think?

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Comments on this poem/writing:

MC (68.35.198.43) -- Tuesday, December 5 2006, 07:30 pm

The original was cute

but this is MUCH better. Still, I can't help but laugh at the analogy of the universe being a "Spittoon". I'm not so sure I get it, but it's different. LOL
Bipedalguy (4.156.129.61) -- Tuesday, December 5 2006, 09:46 pm

Thanks and Welcome Back!

I'm glad you liked this. re "Spittoon" I had to be very big and powerful to be able to make "the stars dance to your tune" If I were so big that the Universe were like a spittoon to me, I guess I would be very big indeed. I also needed a word that rhymed with "tune". I know it's crude, but we in the "aahts" sometimes have to make these compromises, don't we?
 
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