Heart thumping, I start to sweat. I try to hide my dismay.
I choke and I cough. I hurt inside. I ask “Why is life this way”.
I am so angry. For what? At what? And Who? The question remains why?
Why is a familiar word! I hate it and I scream it as I cry.
I tremble uncontrollably. A shower I take to wash my sins clean.
Water flowing over my body. I wash, but I am still dirty, I am still mean.
I sob and I yell I cry till my eyes are red and sore.
I picture swallowing pills so I don’t feel this way anymore.
The situation un-forgiven, the memories are still there.
My voice echo’s in the bathroom. I am so mad I rip out my hair.
I hold the clumps. In disbelief I fall down to my knees.
Who will be my Saviour? Who will be my strength? Who will hear my pleas?
I hear my son outside the door, and cries as he calls my name.
I yell at him to go away, leave me alone I have too much shame.
Instead of feeling love all I feel is pain,
I can not live like this, I have no room for blame.
I can not breathe as the hurt builds up I am going insane.
I need to cut myself, I need the blood to ease my sorrowful pain.
I leap out the shower, intentions in my heart.
My son follows me to my room, I start to fall apart.
“Go to your room. I need to be alone. I’ll come for you.”
I shut the door and grabbed a knife. My lips turning blue.
I put the blade to my arm and slowly cut my skin.
My internal pain went away, and for a second so did my sin.
I saw the blood, it wasn’t enough. I went back for more.
By the time I’d stopped myself I’d cut my self more than four.
My breathing slowed and I felt relief, as if I had never cried,
But I looked down at my skin and that’s when I realized.
I opened my door and there stood my son “Mummy are you ok”
I gasped for air and held my breath. They first time I ever prayed.
I picked him up and held him tight. I did not want to let go.
I was sad I was scared and this is something he shall never know.
I bare the cuts for a week or two and the memory goes away.
I mask my sorrow and hide my pain. I will cut myself another day.

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