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Tabby Tirade
Author: Justus Isaiah Richardson

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Excuse me! Do you mind??
Do you really need to be that close when you read??
Youíre cramping my style here!
Thatís better. Now, there are a few things I need to get off my chest.
I am a cat! Do you hear me?? A CAT!!!
I am not a kitty!
I am not a tabby!
I am not a feline!
Alright, I am a feline, but I donít like it when Iím called a feline!
Itís feminine!! It automatically makes me think of cat woman!!
Not that Halle Berry didnít look AWESOME in that black leather suit,
BUT IíM MALE HERE!!!
Ok, maybe thatís irrational, but itís HOW I FEEL DAMNIT!!!
Where was I? Oh yeah!
I am not a puss-in-boots!
I donít even own boots!
And I will scratch your nose off if you call me a PUSS again!!
WHAT IDIOT CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT OF A CAT WHO
WEARS FOOTWEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE??? ITíS STUPID!!!
CATS DONíT WEAR BOOTS, YA FRICKINí KNUCKLEHEADS!!!
And, last but not least,
I AM NOT A PUSSY!!!
WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU EVEN CALL A CAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT???
CATS ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT THOSE KINDS OF THINGS!!!
Yet in spite of this, weíre also very loving and generous!
We let you sleep on the bed with us, donít we??
We keep the house free of rodents!
Yeah, maybe we do take our time throwing them out,
But itís just so amusing watching you stand on a chair and scream,
Whenever theyíre around!
Cats have a sense of humor too, ya know!
After all, we do let you humans think you own us,
Instead of the other way around!
And how do you repay us?
BY GIVING US FUZZY LITTLE BALLS WITH LITTLE BELLS INSIDE,
DIPPED IN CATNIP!!!
HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK WE ARE???
WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA, SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE FUN FOR US???
IF YOU WANT US TO SCRATCH THE CRAP OUT OF SOMETHING,
GIVE US A DOLL THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU!!!
TEN MINUTES, AND Iíll TURN THE STUPID THING INSIDE OUT!!!
ITíS FRUSTRATING, THATíS ALL!
YOU JUST DONíT UNDERSTAND US!!!
You tell us you love us, AND THEN GIVE US DRY FOOD FOR DINNER!!!
Another thing! Iíd like to sink my claws into the guy who came up
With the idea that you had to put the cat out...AT NIGHT!!!
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF WE STARTED PUTTING THE HUMANS OUT???
ITíS FRICKINí DARK OUT THERE!!!
AND WEíRE NOT THE ONLY ONES SKULKING AROUND IN THE BLACKNESS EITHER!!!
Do you know why they say things go bump in the night?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP BUMPING INTO THINGS IN THE DARK!!!
THATíS WHY, YOU FRICKINí MORONS!!!
AND SOMETIMES THINGS BUMP INTO YOU TOO!!!
YEAH! TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT THAT"S LIKE!!
And do you know why aliens are always mutilating animals?
BECAUSE WE'RE THE ONES WHO GET PUT OUT AT NIGHT, THAT'S WHY!!!
I WANT TO SLEEP ON THE PILLOW WITH YOU, DAMNIT!!!
IíM A CAT, NOT AN ALIEN AUTOPSY PATIENT!!!
I BELONG INDOORS!!!
IF GOD MEANT FOR CATS TO BE OUTSIDE,
HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US A MEANS TO DEFEND OURSELVES!!!
LIKE SHARP CLAWS AND SHARP TEETH!!!
Um...ahem...that didnít come out right, did it?
I think I just stuck my paw in my mouth on that one.
Maybe I should start washing them before I do that, in the future.
Stuck it in there so deep, I could even feel my kidneys.
Ya know, kidneys are squishier than you might think.
Ok...Iím gonna take a Mulligan on that one,
So just disregard the whole teeth and claws thing, ok?
What do you mean, no?
So...um...how about those Carolina Panthers, huh?
I think they could go all the way this year.
Out? You mean...ME?
Címon, I was just playing with you.
You know, like I do with that nifty fuzzy ball you gave me?
Yup...too much fun. I'm still chuckling.
Hey, no need to shout!
How about the porch?
Can I stay on the porch?
Iíll be quiet...I SWEAR!!!
You can even call me kitty!!
Alright, PUSSY!!!
JUST DONíT THROW ME OUT THERE IN THE DARK,
WITH THE ALIENS!!!

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Comments on this poem/writing:

Meridian (151.199.129.183) -- Monday, September 3 2007, 04:37 pm

this was too funny

You're one heck of a creative writer! Awesome Justus! Hahha... Narrating for a cat. I like that!
 
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