It led me anyplace but where I wanted to be, it was a time where stress overwhelmed everything that I was. Where life didn't guide my broken heart, like a sun rising on a cloudy day it has no idea where it wants to start. Leading a life of chaos for only one person alone, to realize every single night thats exactly what I was.
I couldn't wish it away, I could only hope the haze from the morning I woke up would give me something to look forward to.
As I go back I can see the countless times I've sat down and wrote something, and never finished it because my image disappeared. But this is something that I've re-written so many times, so many ways, because right now, it's the last image I have of the old way of thinking.
It's not a dark image, but it's a repetitive one.
It's and image that's so distorted because of where I was in that life of mine, but it's also as clear as day.
Like walking down a road on hot summer day, and you see that haze ahead of you, where the heat distorts the image of an object because the pavement ahead of you is so hot. Though every time you get up to the spot on the road, it's goes away.
Though imagine if it didn't go away, what you were seeing was really there. Everywhere you went, not just then, but when you woke up, when you went to bed, this person you were becoming lived life as if you were still dreaming.
I used the words "woke up" in the last sentence and thats where I'm going to skip ahead to.
The very last day of June in 2006 I was probably at my peak. Life was a series of stages. Wake up, eat, work, work out, shower, home, beer run, Yankees game, bed. Every night, same thing, nothing changed. Why, not sure, but the people that have dealt with the same things I have say that no matter what age you are, it doesn't change when you let depression from something set in and take control.
This place I was at felt like a rock stuck on a small island by itself, on the shoreline, where it's so heavy nothing moves it, though water continues to hit it, cover it, move away from it and let it dry off, just to drench it again.
This day was a little different, because I was able to invite a couple friends over that, well had never been over to the place I lived at for just over a year. Night fall came and life was as it was every night. Unhealthy, non-productive, waste of life. Drinking, carousing, having fun, but fulfilling nothing that my heart was yearning for.
Because your heart only breaks and pieces itself back together again so many times before it stops fixing itself and you just start going about life confused and doing whatever you can to just pass the time.
This night though, the people that came over wanted to head out on the town, so, around midnight, thats what we did, as if these people were the path to the road that would leave me away from this place. . . . . . . . so this is where i get. Every time i write this, I get to here and stop. Either running out of time, or just something prevents me from actually posting it and finishing the thought.
Though the story is a great one, it ends at present day. Where I am happily married and life completely makes sense. If my story was to have a meaning, it would be that no matter how far down you truly think you are, anything can change you in just one day and your life can be better. Though I don't really feel as if my stories have meanings.
I just try to put down exactly what I'm feeling, to get the point across.
I met my future that night.. just like the "old" days, I remember walking into this bar, knowing just about everybody in the bar, though I didn't care about a single person in that place. Personally I was selfish at the time and truly thought I was invincible. I did things to get a reaction, and mainly because I wasn't myself. Though something was clearing up my drunken mess of a night.
There was a gaze across the room, though I've never met this person, it was a familiar one. Literally from the second I said hi to her, I had this feeling overwhelm me. I felt as if i had known her forever. The rest has been easy. Honestly, people usually have to try to make things work, I remember how my last relationship was.
I tried so hard. VERY HARD! To almost Heart Attack hard! to make my last relationship work. There was only so much that I could take to where I would be almost at a stand still. But that life was over from the second it started.
But.... with Melissa, There really hasn't been any trying. We both have just been able to go on day in and day out with love for one another without any heart attacks, or craziness. Realizing from our friends and family that really truly we do have a lot going for our relationship that we realized.
Like running water in a river, no matter what the weather is like outside, we just keep flowing, at a steady pace. Like no matter what tries to prevent us, small rocks, or logs that may have fallen into the water, we just kept on moving right on over them not missing a beat.
Like I said, when we met, it was if I've known this person forever, the ability to be that comfortable with somebody the second you meet, them.. and now married and still feeling the same way as we did when we met, it's not something I can put into words, all I can say is that it feels like maybe in some other life some other place we've been together more than once before.
The walk has been hard and steady, from Jan 2006 to Jan 2009! I cant believe it's already been 3 years, both my older brother and I are now married, we both have our own places we live in, my parents have updated there house, and are a lot less stressed. My life I feel has finally started.
By Started, I mean, it's as if I'm over that hump. That hump thats held me back. Steady life. My family on both sides if finally comfortable with me. My job is something that I love and enjoy. My wife is truly the honest, genuine, caring person, that I'm very proud of being able to say I'm her husband.
So all in all, The walk is over.
Melissa came in and held my hand, and walked with me through all the tough times, we both worked out of trouble and accomplished what we needed to be where we are today. Though some challenges may lie ahead, I'm not worried a single bit, because I've learned that with her, anything is possible.