Dear Doctor,



I read in the paper today that scientists like you can replace almost any organ of the body and yet the patient will live. I’d like to have my brain removed, if you can arrange it. It has caused me a great deal of pain, and I think I would be far better off without it. Every time I try to think, I get in trouble. You should see the mess I made of my taxes this year.

I realize that this is probably elective surgery and that I’ll have to pay for it myself. I’ll gladly sign the waivers and disclaimers in advance, so you won’t have to try to get anything out of a brainless patient later on. People say I’m brainless now, but it’s just not true -- enough. The fact is that this brain of mine is the source of most of my miseries.

The other organs are all working along just fine. The old lungs huff and puff from time to time, and the knees give out on days when the cold is coming on, but these aches are nothing compared to the pains I have in the brain. You know about my husband’s death a few years ago, and that terrible traffic accident when that nice man went to the hospital for so long.

Do you think I can still get a handicapped parking sticker? That would be nice. But the main thing is living without all these doubts! Oh the doubts that plague me! Fear is another thing I could expel with joy. The brain is the one organ that seems forever warring against the rest. It tries to rule my passions and repress my natural sense of wonder. I’m sick and tired of it.

Let’s set an appointment as soon as possible. Please help.

Your friend,
Ruby