"Well, I see that we have just enough time for one more guest here on Antiques Roadside Recycles. Two guests actually.
You, sir, are.....?"
"Randall McMurphy from Sand Burr, Nebraska."
"And this sweet little old lady with you is...?"
"Well, I don't see any old junk with you, Mr. McMurphy. Don't you have any old Federal furniture or Civil War Swords for us here on Antiques Roadsides Recycles?"
"Nope. Just got Grandma."
"But Grandma is a human being....barely."
"Tell you what Grandma is, young feller. Grandma is a store house of names, dates, events, remembrances, speeches, utterances, and quotes by the high-fallutin' down to the bottom-feeders of ages past, and all packed into her 98-pound cigarette-smokin' frame."
"Yes, I can see that she can roll a cigarette one-handed. How old is Grandma anyway?"
"Well, I'm 76, so with Grandma you would have to take estimates."
"Of course, Mr. McMurphy, that is all very interesting but what we look for here on Antiques Roadsides Recycles is junk and although Grandma comes close, she just doesn't qualify. Now if she were a statue of some kind or a butter churn...."
"Listen, yung feller, Grandma hung out a lot, see? She can tell you the swear words Abe Lincoln used when he was splitting logs in Springfield, she can tell you the sexual preferences of Grover Cleveland's entire cabinet, she was at the going away party for Lewis and Clark where she did a little dance called, 'The Sacrifice of the Cheyenne Maiden.' Why, Calvin Coolidge used to send her mash notes."
"Did she write any of this down by any chance? I mean, on the back of an envelope or on some cigarette paper or anything?"
"Nope, what Grandma sees, hears, and experiences, she will always remember. Like the night she and Teddy Roosevelt came up with the name, 'Rough Riders.'"
"Nothing embroidered on a hot-pad per chance? Now that might be worth something."
"Nope, Grandma is a stand-alone."
"Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. McMurphy, but Grandma as a stand-alone is worth zip. Now, if she were a cast-iron fire truck from the 30's, then you might have something."
"Which way is the bar, young feller? It's time for Grandma's medicine...."
"This is Martin Mall saying bring us your Depression Glass or Kaiser Wilhelm's family album, but leave Grandma at home. So be sure to look for Antiques Roadside Recycles when it comes rolling into your town with our fabulous appraisals and no money. And be with us next week, when we, in cooperation with NAFTA and Public Television, go south of the border to lovely Tijuana, Mexico where we hope to see you with a glass of fresh water."