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Redneck Christmas
Author: Mark Spencer

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It were the night before Christmas,
And all around the shack,
The whole family was preparing
For another attack.

This time everyone was ready,
For those midnight raiders,
Who trespass at this time of year,
Like Christmas invaders!

But these guys are dumber than dirt,
ĎCause each time they break in,
They just leave presents for our kids!!
And they never steal nothiní!

What in the heck is that about???
Those gifts make me feel stuck!
It really wouldnít be so bad
If my presents didnít suck!

ďWhy canít you be like Santi Claus?Ē
Thatís all I ever hear!
This time he ainít a-gonna win!
His butt is mine this year!!!

I set Granny up on the roof,
And Maís behind the tree!
Cousin Earl is stuck in the chimney!
I got the cookies with me!

Uncle Elmerís in the closet,
Loadiní some Christmas cheer!
Tonight weíre a-goiní huntiní,
Gonna bag me a reindeer!

Thatís when I heard those dang sleigh bells,
There he was, up in the sky!
I thought I had him in my sights,
Till something dropped in my eye!

It was a big old reindeer turd!
Caught me right upside the head!
Granny got hit by a whopper!
We all thought she was dead!

There was reindeer turds everywhere!
Poor Ma got pinned to the tree!
They unstuck Earl from the chimney,
With WD-40.

Olí Elmer didnít hear a thing,
He was feeliní kinda ill.
We all knew he was fond of shine,
Aní thatís where we kept the still.

That Santi Claus did it again!
Now weís all covered in turds!
I canít say how that makes me feel,
ĎCause they really ainít no words!

My kids, they ainít no help at all!
Theyís Santi sympathizers!
A-laughiní at our years supply
Of reindeer fertilizer!

Next year Iím gonna be ready!
Iíll have something up my sleeve!
Santi Claus has done riled me up,
Now itís his turn to receive!

Iís goní buy me an umbrella,
Aní all the blowers I can!
Letís see whoís laughiní the next time,
When the reindeer turds hit the fan!!

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